#47. The Past Three Months

I haven't died. I've just been in a series of limbo these past few weeks. 

And every time I attempt to write something, I end up with nothing at all. It seems that I am crawling back to the dark side- that part of me that just wants to be alone and disconnected from everything else. I just want to be alone, speak to no one and just day dream the day and night away.

#46. Brother

I have always wanted to write something about you for so long. Maybe ever since I started I learned how to write, but when I do, I seem to just run out of words somewhere in the middle, and I end up with an unfinished piece. I cannot seem to put one cohesive piece about you, and all I could write about you are fragments which do not tell much of a story. Now that we’re both older, I’m beginning to realize that if I just summed up all those little stories about you I’ve written in the past and scraped off, maybe I would have put up one solid piece about you already.

On the other hand, I also suppose- maybe it’s how you are meant to be told about, broken down into portions, short, brief, incomplete- however you call it. After all, there is some strange beauty and a mystifying clarity with something presented in isolated portions. Just like those Haikus and Proverbs in the bible. And yet again, I wonder, maybe you are not meant to be told about at all. But that’s too harsh because I smile more than I frown when I think about what we’ve gone through ever since. You will always deserve to be told about. So here is yet another attempt to do so.

#45. On These So-Called Gatherings

Recently I’ve been attending these poz gatherings, and it’s fun actually. 

Way back, when I hear “poz gathering” it sort of sounds like an occult rendezvous where there are human sacrifices to be made. It’s like an underground meeting meant to revive a fallen devil. 

Turns out that it’s not. It’s just like any other gathering where we get to meet other people. Nevermind the fact that we’re all diseased, it’s just really a great way to see other people of our kind.

#44. CD4 Counts and Friends

So My CD4 count rose 104% higher than the previous count six months ago. Not bad, considering that mine, versus a normal person’s is still deficient by over 80%. Still, I attribute the astonishing rise to a handful of very good people who have helped me get back to where I am right now. I owe a large chunk of this rise to my newfound friends who have assisted me along the way, and have showered me with unexpected trust and affection. Friends who, in such a short time, have laughed with me beyond compare, over the mundanest of things. Friends who have been confidantes and confession booths that I could always talk to and drag along in moments of idleness, sadness and happiness.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a boyfriend who I love so much and has loved me back in ways I (never) imagined. One who has spoken and expressed a hundred percent less than I do, but still manages to get the emotions through and through. One who has always been there in so many ways than one.

And for all these, I owe these counts to all of you. I cannot help but feel so blessed and re-affirm the thought that indeed, life is still so worth it and beautiful despite all the shit we go through, hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, momentarily.

To all my friends- kulam and non-kulam alike, thank you so much. Some of you might never really come across this literature, but somewhere, somehow I’ll get the message through. May we all live longer to see Shake Rattle and Roll 34, Iphone 19, Samsung Galaxy s24 and Ipad mini33.

I love you all.

#43. Sunday at the Office

Im not dead. I just grew very busy lately, and I still don’t have my own laptop. I’m composing this entry in the office while working on a Sunday afternoon.

I work on Sundays, and I kinda like it. I made this schedule, and it favors me. There’s a lot less to do during Sundays, and it allows me to be one step ahead for a very manic Monday. Ideally, I would have resolved all pending issues of yesterday in time for the start of the business week. So far, so good.