I wouldn't say that I'm unfortunate but I would like to believe that my life is a product of so many bad choices I've made.
Fine. If not entirely bad, I suppose there would have been better choices among the options which I clearly did not consider. I don't mean to indulge in self-pity, as that is never in my culture, but I guess, yes, I'd like to have a taste of it just for now.
Perhaps if I didn't leave my first job, or that lucrative industry, I'd be bathing in a pool of cash by now. Not that I'm complaining with my current purchasing power, but I think I'd be in a much better situation than I am in right now had I not chosen to leave.
My decision to trade what I used to believe as a "glamorized server's" duty with higher education seemed too abrupt. I was too idealistic with the notion "the higher the education, the higher the position in the corporate world", which I learned of course, is not absolutely true. It does help me, though, to establish myself more firmly and professionally the more diplomas I have under my sleeves, but come to think of it, my own parents didn't even finish college, but they managed to send all their kids to school, provide sustenance, and even more. My boyfriend never finished high school. But his innate skills and talents for arts and fashion led him to where he is now, in the enterprising world.
It leads to me question myself, "How do I really want to live my life?"
It's not all about the money, that's true. But sometimes I get that jolting feeling- that creeping rush from within that I must hurry and start establishing my life. And before this disease came in, all I had was a measly savings account, which I spent for the most dispensable items- gadgets and appliances. Again, Seemed to be a product of ill-decision making.
While my contemporaries have already started getting married, buying houses and properties here and there, some climbing the corporate ladder to becoming the Vice President, Marketing Heads and all that, I had my chance to have my turn, but again, the disease momentarily paralyzed me. I just can't help but feel bad that I'm kind of missing out now. Its so intense that it's enough not to make me attend a high school reunion lest I'd be presenting a resume not so favorable and exemplary.
I don't even know what I'm good at. Either I doubt my brightness or the series of situations just really don't seem to affirm my self-concept of "brightness, intelligence, capacity". I don't even have a talent. I can't sing, I couldn't dance. I can't even draw stick figures. I'm not sure If I have what the literature industry would consider as "good writing". I don't even have a legitimate sport to divert my physical and mental self into.
Again, I don't mean to sound like I'm self-pitying. But I guess I am. I'm probably the dumb blond.
And again, I used to wonder, maybe If I gave show business a chance when I was younger, I'd probably be on to something else by now. Some years back, I had a chance to interact with Ogie Diaz and asked If I even tried being in the show business. I said "No", then he said If ever I wanted to, I should've started a long time ago, when I was still in my teens. Some years ago, my boyfriend encouraged me to go and try to audition for some modelling roles, after all, he knew some people in the industry being a former model himself. But i shelved the idea til I eventually lost interest. I shelved it in the first place because I was too lazy to audition or face the fact that I would have to be rejected at some point..
And now that I'm older, these things are still feasible, but it'll be doubly harder. Again, had I made the decision to give all these things a chance, even start learning how to paint or draw at a younger age, I would probably be in a different emotion right now.
I wouldn't end this entry by saying "on the brighter side, but then again, etc.". I believe there is always something I can say nice about myself, or all this frenzied state I am in right now, but maybe I'll just keep that to myself. After all, If I do, I'd again be satisfied with where I am right now. Perhaps if I bask in a little more on these ponderings (in the right amounts and healthy servings), it'd be enough to compel me to do something to make myself believe that I am up to something worthwhile. Or at least make me feel so.
And again, It's time for lunch.
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