#47. The Past Three Months

I haven't died. I've just been in a series of limbo these past few weeks. 

And every time I attempt to write something, I end up with nothing at all. It seems that I am crawling back to the dark side- that part of me that just wants to be alone and disconnected from everything else. I just want to be alone, speak to no one and just day dream the day and night away.

#46. Brother

I have always wanted to write something about you for so long. Maybe ever since I started I learned how to write, but when I do, I seem to just run out of words somewhere in the middle, and I end up with an unfinished piece. I cannot seem to put one cohesive piece about you, and all I could write about you are fragments which do not tell much of a story. Now that we’re both older, I’m beginning to realize that if I just summed up all those little stories about you I’ve written in the past and scraped off, maybe I would have put up one solid piece about you already.

On the other hand, I also suppose- maybe it’s how you are meant to be told about, broken down into portions, short, brief, incomplete- however you call it. After all, there is some strange beauty and a mystifying clarity with something presented in isolated portions. Just like those Haikus and Proverbs in the bible. And yet again, I wonder, maybe you are not meant to be told about at all. But that’s too harsh because I smile more than I frown when I think about what we’ve gone through ever since. You will always deserve to be told about. So here is yet another attempt to do so.

#45. On These So-Called Gatherings

Recently I’ve been attending these poz gatherings, and it’s fun actually. 

Way back, when I hear “poz gathering” it sort of sounds like an occult rendezvous where there are human sacrifices to be made. It’s like an underground meeting meant to revive a fallen devil. 

Turns out that it’s not. It’s just like any other gathering where we get to meet other people. Nevermind the fact that we’re all diseased, it’s just really a great way to see other people of our kind.

#44. CD4 Counts and Friends

So My CD4 count rose 104% higher than the previous count six months ago. Not bad, considering that mine, versus a normal person’s is still deficient by over 80%. Still, I attribute the astonishing rise to a handful of very good people who have helped me get back to where I am right now. I owe a large chunk of this rise to my newfound friends who have assisted me along the way, and have showered me with unexpected trust and affection. Friends who, in such a short time, have laughed with me beyond compare, over the mundanest of things. Friends who have been confidantes and confession booths that I could always talk to and drag along in moments of idleness, sadness and happiness.

It wouldn’t hurt to have a boyfriend who I love so much and has loved me back in ways I (never) imagined. One who has spoken and expressed a hundred percent less than I do, but still manages to get the emotions through and through. One who has always been there in so many ways than one.

And for all these, I owe these counts to all of you. I cannot help but feel so blessed and re-affirm the thought that indeed, life is still so worth it and beautiful despite all the shit we go through, hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, momentarily.

To all my friends- kulam and non-kulam alike, thank you so much. Some of you might never really come across this literature, but somewhere, somehow I’ll get the message through. May we all live longer to see Shake Rattle and Roll 34, Iphone 19, Samsung Galaxy s24 and Ipad mini33.

I love you all.

#43. Sunday at the Office

Im not dead. I just grew very busy lately, and I still don’t have my own laptop. I’m composing this entry in the office while working on a Sunday afternoon.

I work on Sundays, and I kinda like it. I made this schedule, and it favors me. There’s a lot less to do during Sundays, and it allows me to be one step ahead for a very manic Monday. Ideally, I would have resolved all pending issues of yesterday in time for the start of the business week. So far, so good.

#42. Crsystal Clear

It is that scent that refuses to go away-
The olfactory signature of your presence.
Of all the senses we had been blessed with,
I am reassured by the sense of smell.
And I am never de-sensitized, never at all.
The sensation gets more intense by passing time.
And it tricks my mind, like MSG, like aspertame,
For in your absence, I still feel you with every inhale.
It feels like streaks of electric blue
And shards of neon pink
And a whole lot of antique wood and stainless steel.
Sometimes it feels like newspaper,
or some brand new notebook and a rustic diary.
On rare instances it feels very organic,
Like some unidentifiable fruit that I seem to know,
and even at times it feels like the scent plastic burning,
Like soil on a rainy day, and even snow.

#41. On Tax Exemptions and A New Boyfriend

I'm still struggling with the absence of my personal laptop. I am also struggling with the absence of a working TV set, cable network and a reliable internet connection in my Makati home. Good thing I have a very fun neighborhood that keeps me entertained more than TV or The Internet can. I am semi-struggling with the bigger role I am taking in my not-so-new job. And for the past five days, I've been struggling to ward off an impending sore through/cough. 

Well, I've been struggling living with HIV for half a year now, and all the shit it entails. Seems like I've been struggling a lot lately, but really, I'm happy to announce, someone's struggling with me- my new love.

#40. Status Update

So I survived my first week at work. It wasn't really difficult because I'm just a returning employee. I'm working under a new team composed of old familiar faces.

I don't have a personal laptop so as much as I would like to update more often, I just can't. I don't have a company issued laptop yet as well and I don't think I want one considering the workload that I might potentially take home once I'm issued with one.

Just a quick update of how things are going for me:

#39. The Cockroach and Zithroshit

Kaninang Hapon sa Bagnet 8065 sa may Makati, Here's the picture:

A table. On it were a giant rice cooker, a stack of plates (about 12) with a cup on top of the first plate. Ang cup na ito, I suppose, ay pang takal ng kanin. Then theres a pile of disposable utensils beside the plate stack. Everything was static except for a wandering creature sa may gilid. Akala ko namamalik-mata ako kasi mga 70 minutes na kami naghihintay ng food namin, ganoon katagal ang serving time. But further observation revealed that the entity hovering above the plates and the cup was a:

Image from: http://www.indiaoutsidemywindow.com

Nakakaloka.

#38. Love in the Time of HIV

So I broke up with Froy two days ago. I never thought it was going to be very difficult. I felt like I was going to pass out. Ganoon pala ang feeling ng wala ka nang luhang mailabas. Sobrang sakit na mahirap. As always, nagsuka ako sa sobrang stress.

I've never heard Froy cry like that. I will always remember that cry. It was almost eerie and haunting. It was like a cry of bereavement. Like someone died. Like I died.

I didn't expect it. All along I thought he would take it lightly. But I had to be firm. We had a wedding to attend that evening. After an hour, he managed to compose himself. I must give him credit for being so resilient and being so understanding. For being such a man.

He asked me if I had another. I said no.

#37. Mother

You've never cooked for us, and you don't even know how to clean the house. You nag quite a lot, especially to yaya. You change your mind so often that it sometimes appears you don't have a stand on issues. You can't even decide on which meals yaya will prepare for the day. You don't prepare papa's merienda. You throw away things, which in the end, we still need. You are disorganized, cluttered, and a whiner. 

Sometimes I feel that you don't know me so well. 

You were always scared to talk to us, your children. So you end up spying on our lives through each other. You ask about me through sister, and you ask about sister through brother, and you ask about brother through me or through sister. You love to pry on my private stuff which I really hate. You panic buy grocery items whenever you hear one of us say "masarap ito". You like to deny things, always scared to admit if you are at fault. 

#36. Is This The End?

So the end is near. I can feel it. It's almost here, I can already taste it.

Froy asked for some "space", which I initially disagreed to give. Until eventually, I realized, he might need some space to think things through. And guess what. It turns out, I also needed it. Probably more than he did.

And so for almost a week now, we've lived on no communication at all. The longest and most sensible being a very casual "how are you" responded to by a deadening "good".

Ironically, all this silence feels fucking liberating. It feels like a breath of fresh air. A welcome break. Not that he stressed me out during our relationship. In fact, he has spoiled me in so many ways. he has taken care of me more than anyone else did. He isn't perfect, but who needs perfect? I was happy. But just like any fairy tale, I guess, some good things never last. And I am admitting it, ako ang may topak. Hindi ako makuntento.

#35. An Impromptu Rendezvous With

I had always been apprehensive when it comes to meeting people with the same status and it perplexes me, as I believe I have the strongest support system ever- the entire family. Then I have non-mutant friends as well for extra armament. So what's so scary about meeting other virused brothers out there?

None. Turns out, I've been creating my own monsters all along.

#34. Epiphanies 3: Making It Work

Love is never easy. In fact, nothing might be. 

And so now that we are in our third year of being together, I think the romance has naturally waned. My friends tell me it's normal, as in this stage of a relationship, it's all about making things work.

I spoke with one of my best friends who has been in a relationship with his boyfriend for ten years and counting. I could just imagine what heaven and hell they had been through together. So when my relationship with Froy is on the rocks, I usually turn to him for some words of wisdom. And these are some of the things he taught me:

#33. Time Bombs

There is a time bomb inside of me and it can never be diffused. It is intelligent, flexible, and resilient if given a chance to. It assumes the form of others and can create a legion of its own, enough to destroy the feeble host- myself.

There is a time bomb inside of me, and it can never be disarmed, nor can it be shut down. It can be easily contained until it becomes indistinct. Until then, only the physical body will be deemed "safe".

There is another time bomb- it lies within my mind. It feeds on fear, paranoia, and in the many shades of uncertainty. It thrives in silence, boredom and idleness, and its blood supply comes from its mere self; the imagination.

#32. I Want To Skip This Phase

I want to skip this phase.

I only want to begin in the middle, or in the moving on phase. I want to skip the process of breaking up, I just want to deal with the moving on. It breaks my heart that along the way, I have dragged along so many good people with sincere intentions into this misery of mine in my pursuit of true happiness- such that I don't even know if really existed in the first place.

I am so confused whether I should break loose or hang on. I want to skip this part. I wish I wake up tomorrow and be given a circumstance that's been pre-decided upon for me. A series of events that I would just have to handle and eventually accept.

I want to skip this part where I am in the authority to break someone's heart. I wish he'd decide for me whether to continue or stop this madness. I don't have the balls for any of these after all. 

I want to skip this part where I am about to start all over- with my new job and potentially a new relationship, or the fact that I might be single again. I want to fast forward to the stable phase where I could be more in control.

I wish life would spoonfeed me.

I want to skip this part where I will cry, where he will cry, and the other one might cry. I want to skip the indifference part. I want to fast forward to the friendship phase right now.

I want to skip this phase.

#31. Father

My father is probably the most paranoid person I have come to know in this lifetime. His imagination is so wild that it becomes difficult to make sense of what he wants  to convey. Most of the time, his paranoia is so compelling that we would just want to drop any activity we would like to engage in. 

Our house feels like a garrison with too many padlocks here and there. Each of our bedrooms have peep holes installed, and part of opening a door would mean looking through the peep hole each and every time. There are also some doors with locks outside, particularly the bathroom, so in case a burglar comes in through the bathroom, he cannot advance further in house. These outside locks must be locked every night.

#30. SET and The Potential Rapist

Way back in February, I decided to join RITM-ARG's Self Empowerment Training seminar, dubbed as the SET. Honestly, I was thinking if I still needed this because I was already managing myself well. And since I wasn't really doing anything productive, I decided to join the last batch, thinking that the last batch would probably have less participants, and I would be more comfortable with a smaller group.

I arrived at the venue 4 minutes late. I was so anxious and kind of scared that I might stumble across someone in my social circle. I was so anxious that when I went up to the room, I got so dizzy and nauseous that I almost consumed an entire Tic-tac box. A few minutes later, I gave in. Sumuka na ang lola niyo sa banyo sa ibaba.

#29. William

To be honest, I've lost track of how many times this has happened: I explore the world with something else in mind, then I meet someone who happens to like me as well, all classified under "extra-marital status". I've always thought that the disease would tremendously change the face of the game, but it appears it has not. In fact, I'd like to believe that I have actually tapped a market that was once untouched, further offering variety and assortment. 

I met you through a friend, Dominique. We were introduced about some weeks and weeks ago before I wrote this one. I don't even remember what your name was, and to be honest, I didn't bother asking you or her again for your name. All I remember was I asked you about a piece of gadget that you wanted to replace, and that was it.

#28. Happy 3rd Anniversary

Ours wasn't perfect, no one's is, after all. But I believe ours is the best I've ever had. And for this "best", I'd like to thank you for sticking it out with me through thick and thin, in sickness, indeed, and in health, and for my richer and poorer days.

We may not be together on this special day but I know you know how much I love you, treasure you and thank you for keeping me happy for the past 3 years of my life.

It's all beyond words, happy 3rd Anniversary to us, my love.

#27. One of Those Pesky Text Blasts

Ever since I got my postpaid line, I've been receiving pesky text marketing messages.

For I was feeling really bitchy earlier:

Pinatulan ko talaga.

:)

#26. A Conversation With An Old Flame

Brief background:

The year was 2011. We met  at the time you were already in a relationship with someone for almost two years already. I was already taken as well, (til now.) The first time I saw you, I just fell in love. Your striking Japanese breed was simply irresistible and you had a very attractive built. Those melancholic eyes always spoke more than what you would verbally indicate.

As expected, we had all the romance in between. And I must say, It was one of the toughest, most intense and heartbreaking situations ever. Literally, all we had were a few stolen moments. Usually very brief, yet very sweet.

You were the first guy to ever give me a kiss in public.

Realizing that the romance was doomed to failure, I abruptly cut the communication with you, until late last year.

And then two nights ago, we had this conversation:

#25. Epiphanies 3: My Self's Posterity

I wouldn't say that I'm unfortunate but I would like to believe that my life is a product of so many bad choices I've made.

#24. Epiphanies 2: Candy Crush

This Candy Crush Saga game has taken over my life for the past 4 days. I've spent some nearly sleepless night trying to win myself over to the next level. As I reached level 170+, things have started to feel differently.

#23. Epiphanies 1: The Disease Inside

We've been talking about your  planned departure to Singapore for over two months now. Today, you told me that it's confirmed. Aalis ka na any time soon.

Siyempre, malungkot ako, but I guess that's how I've always felt like every time I learn that someone close to me is leaving the country. Isa ata ito sa mga third world emo na hindi na maiiwasan.

#22. Melankoliya

Masaya na tayo sa ganito,
Sa magkabilang dulo ng kama,
Yung ulo mo, sa may aking mga paa,
Anong tawag 'dun?

Vice- versa.

#21. Threesome

There. The title says it all. I had a sexual threesome just earlier. I was just literally shocked at how my sexmates behaved without even thinking twice.

#20. Day 101: Derma Trip and Grocery

Hello Kulam friends!

Today was a very hectic day. A quick visit to RITM turned out to be a whole day event plus a lot of temptations in between! Bakit ba ang daming gwapong lalaki sa Alabang? So nafoforce tuloy ako makipagtitigan at mag pacute putres!

#19. Day 100: Repatriation and Date with Froy

Hi All!

Today marks the 100th day of my Kulam. This also marks the day that I get repatriated to the south.

#18. I'm Getting Bored But Feeling Healthy

It's official. I'm getting bored from this self-imposed house arrest. It's been almost 5 months, after all. I do go out but just to visit my doctor and RITM, or do very occasional grocery shopping, so hindi naman siya total arrest. I must say, nakakaloka ang walang ginagawa. I wonder how plain housewives survive this everyday struggle! Kating kati na ako lumabas but I am still hesitant if my immunities are back on track already.

#17. Day Off From Vacation

There's a quite a lot happening for the past few days. I spent my Sunday at my sister's farm to catch some fresh air and try to see if this rhinitis would disappear. Ironically, it did! Considering that her place was more exposed to various allergens as they have trees, plants, flowers, pigs, some chickens and indoor cats that I just adore. There has got to be something in our house that's causing this. It must be my mother.

#16. Closest We Could Be

#15. Day 89: First Eyeball With

On my 89th day as an infected citizen, I went to RITM again for my monthly CBC and refill of ARV's. Since I was going there alone for the first time, I thought maybe I'd take the chance to try to meet other infected people out there. What best place to get one from other than Twitterlandia. But of course I've thought of this prior already. I've already been talking with this twitter entity for week, and we've agreed to meet yesterday at RITM.

Wala akong maisip na pangalan at dahil si Sam Milby ang nasa TV ngayon, let's just call him Sam.

#14. On Prophylaxis and Contact Tracing

The first time I encountered the word "PROPHYLAXIS" was when I visited the dentist. Oral Prophylaxis, which just meant to clean my mouth. Sabi ko parang tongue twister, yun pala lilinisin lang ang mga ngipin at gums ko.

At ngayong infected na ako at nagsusumuigaw sa kababaan ang CD4 count ko, I had to be put under prophylaxis, pero this time, mas seryoso na yung role niya.

#13. Aberya sa Dentista

Hello,

Dahil sa movie na "IT" ni Stephen King, sobrang natakot ako sa mga clowns. Pero maliban sa clowns, sobrang takot din ako sa dentista. That's probably why all my life, I've never really visited a dentist on my own initiative. I tried to avoid going to the dentists as much as I could. But when I had my first job, I had no choice but to face my fear.

#12. Ronnie

Ronnie,

Sa lahat ng mga minahal ko, I would say, ikaw you classified under "the one that got away"

As always, ako may kasalanan.

#11. Froy

Froy,

After almost two to three years of carnal indulgence, I finally decided that I wanted something more permanent. You see, boys and cocks come and go. I often go home with a busted nut and an empty heart, and I wanted to change that.

#10. Jose

Jose,

Sa totoo lang, ikaw ang nagpatunay sa akin na hindi palaging totoo na first love never dies. Hindi naman kasi ikaw ang first love ko, ikaw yung pangalawa, pero sa lahat ng mga minahal ko, ikaw ang pinakaminahal ko at ikaw ang nagpaikot ng mundo ko.

#9. iOS App Review: Rxmind Me

RxmindMe App for iOS

Hello Dear iOs Readers,

Some of you might be taking multiple pills as part of your life's regimen, just like me. I understand its quite a hassle to monitor multiple pill intaking especially if they're taken at different times of the day, week, or month. If you want an app that will surely help you manage these concerns, then this iOS app is exactly for you!

#8. Ave Maria

Ave Maria,

You are one of the very few best friends.

#7. Errol

Errol,

Tonight, I remember you.

#6. Day 82: Hair and Bands

Hello!

So I've gained quite a lot for the past 6 weeks. It's an alarming 15 lbs, and I owe this to the 1 month of hypo allergenic diet. And since I am on my self-imposed house arrest until I get my immunities up and running like they used to, I decided to purchase these exercise bands online as substitute for lifting weights:

#5. Aaron

Aaron,

I met you at work, and eventually, what shouldn't have happened just happened. It was such a big boo boo. I know I shouldn't have gotten into a relationship with a coworker, but I thought back then that you were the perfect guy. Perfect skin, perfect body, fine taste for food and dining, didn't smoke, didn't drink, a masters degree up your sleeve and of course the romance that came in between.

#4. Of Space and Distance

True enough, It’s all about space and distance.

#3. Day 80: Vaccine

Hi!

Today was a very productive day for me. My trip to RITM has always been productive and delightful, and today is no exception, except for one not-so-good news:

#2. Day 79: Recap

Hello,

So it's been 79 days since I was diagnosed to be HIV+. It was a rollercoaster ride, and I would say time flies quite fast.

Below is a quick summary of the highlights of the past 79 days of my HIV'd life:

#1. Welcome!

Dear Reader,

Welcome, and thanks for stumbling upon my blog page! I'd be very curious to hear how you came across my page (you can leave it in the comments box).