May 25, 2013

#40. Status Update

So I survived my first week at work. It wasn't really difficult because I'm just a returning employee. I'm working under a new team composed of old familiar faces.

I don't have a personal laptop so as much as I would like to update more often, I just can't. I don't have a company issued laptop yet as well and I don't think I want one considering the workload that I might potentially take home once I'm issued with one.

Just a quick update of how things are going for me:

May 17, 2013

#39. The Cockroach and Zithroshit

Kaninang Hapon sa Bagnet 8065 sa may Makati, Here's the picture:

A table. On it were a giant rice cooker, a stack of plates (about 12) with a cup on top of the first plate. Ang cup na ito, I suppose, ay pang takal ng kanin. Then theres a pile of disposable utensils beside the plate stack. Everything was static except for a wandering creature sa may gilid. Akala ko namamalik-mata ako kasi mga 70 minutes na kami naghihintay ng food namin, ganoon katagal ang serving time. But further observation revealed that the entity hovering above the plates and the cup was a:

Image from:

May 16, 2013

#38. Love in the Time of HIV

So I broke up with Froy two days ago. I never thought it was going to be very difficult. I felt like I was going to pass out. Ganoon pala ang feeling ng wala ka nang luhang mailabas. Sobrang sakit na mahirap. As always, nagsuka ako sa sobrang stress.

I've never heard Froy cry like that. I will always remember that cry. It was almost eerie and haunting. It was like a cry of bereavement. Like someone died. Like I died.

I didn't expect it. All along I thought he would take it lightly. But I had to be firm. We had a wedding to attend that evening. After an hour, he managed to compose himself. I must give him credit for being so resilient and being so understanding. For being such a man.

He asked me if I had another. I said no.

May 13, 2013

#37. Mother

You've never cooked for us, and you don't even know how to clean the house. You nag quite a lot, especially to yaya. You change your mind so often that it sometimes appears you don't have a stand on issues. You can't even decide on which meals yaya will prepare for the day. You don't prepare papa's merienda. You throw away things, which in the end, we still need. You are disorganized, cluttered, and a whiner. 

Sometimes I feel that you don't know me so well. 

You were always scared to talk to us, your children. So you end up spying on our lives through each other. You ask about me through sister, and you ask about sister through brother, and you ask about brother through me or through sister. You love to pry on my private stuff which I really hate. You panic buy grocery items whenever you hear one of us say "masarap ito". You like to deny things, always scared to admit if you are at fault. 

May 12, 2013

#36. Is This The End?

So the end is near. I can feel it. It's almost here, I can already taste it.

Froy asked for some "space", which I initially disagreed to give. Until eventually, I realized, he might need some space to think things through. And guess what. It turns out, I also needed it. Probably more than he did.

And so for almost a week now, we've lived on no communication at all. The longest and most sensible being a very casual "how are you" responded to by a deadening "good".

Ironically, all this silence feels fucking liberating. It feels like a breath of fresh air. A welcome break. Not that he stressed me out during our relationship. In fact, he has spoiled me in so many ways. he has taken care of me more than anyone else did. He isn't perfect, but who needs perfect? I was happy. But just like any fairy tale, I guess, some good things never last. And I am admitting it, ako ang may topak. Hindi ako makuntento.

#35. An Impromptu Rendezvous With

I had always been apprehensive when it comes to meeting people with the same status and it perplexes me, as I believe I have the strongest support system ever- the entire family. Then I have non-mutant friends as well for extra armament. So what's so scary about meeting other virused brothers out there?

None. Turns out, I've been creating my own monsters all along.

May 10, 2013

#34. Epiphanies 3: Making It Work

Love is never easy. In fact, nothing might be. 

And so now that we are in our third year of being together, I think the romance has naturally waned. My friends tell me it's normal, as in this stage of a relationship, it's all about making things work.

I spoke with one of my best friends who has been in a relationship with his boyfriend for ten years and counting. I could just imagine what heaven and hell they had been through together. So when my relationship with Froy is on the rocks, I usually turn to him for some words of wisdom. And these are some of the things he taught me:

#33. Time Bombs

There is a time bomb inside of me and it can never be diffused. It is intelligent, flexible, and resilient if given a chance to. It assumes the form of others and can create a legion of its own, enough to destroy the feeble host- myself.

There is a time bomb inside of me, and it can never be disarmed, nor can it be shut down. It can be easily contained until it becomes indistinct. Until then, only the physical body will be deemed "safe".

There is another time bomb- it lies within my mind. It feeds on fear, paranoia, and in the many shades of uncertainty. It thrives in silence, boredom and idleness, and its blood supply comes from its mere self; the imagination.

May 7, 2013

#32. I Want To Skip This Phase

I want to skip this phase.

I only want to begin in the middle, or in the moving on phase. I want to skip the process of breaking up, I just want to deal with the moving on. It breaks my heart that along the way, I have dragged along so many good people with sincere intentions into this misery of mine in my pursuit of true happiness- such that I don't even know if really existed in the first place.

I am so confused whether I should break loose or hang on. I want to skip this part. I wish I wake up tomorrow and be given a circumstance that's been pre-decided upon for me. A series of events that I would just have to handle and eventually accept.

I want to skip this part where I am in the authority to break someone's heart. I wish he'd decide for me whether to continue or stop this madness. I don't have the balls for any of these after all. 

I want to skip this part where I am about to start all over- with my new job and potentially a new relationship, or the fact that I might be single again. I want to fast forward to the stable phase where I could be more in control.

I wish life would spoonfeed me.

I want to skip this part where I will cry, where he will cry, and the other one might cry. I want to skip the indifference part. I want to fast forward to the friendship phase right now.

I want to skip this phase.