#37. Mother

You've never cooked for us, and you don't even know how to clean the house. You nag quite a lot, especially to yaya. You change your mind so often that it sometimes appears you don't have a stand on issues. You can't even decide on which meals yaya will prepare for the day. You don't prepare papa's merienda. You throw away things, which in the end, we still need. You are disorganized, cluttered, and a whiner. 

Sometimes I feel that you don't know me so well. 

You were always scared to talk to us, your children. So you end up spying on our lives through each other. You ask about me through sister, and you ask about sister through brother, and you ask about brother through me or through sister. You love to pry on my private stuff which I really hate. You panic buy grocery items whenever you hear one of us say "masarap ito". You like to deny things, always scared to admit if you are at fault. 

I'd like to begin with the bad stuff, but you see, mom, I love you. I really do. And I know you love me more.

What I am now is not because you taught me, but because you taught me not to. You taught me not to be too dependent, thus, independence and self-reliance, You dreamt big for me, thus, self-worth and you demonstrated by exampling, teaching how to become the strongest person I could be.

At one point you questioned my intelligence when I acquired the disease. And sister shut you up. It was irrelevant, she said. Even the most intelligent people can get the disease, she added. And I never really harbored any grudges whenever you tend to blame me for an unfortunate consequence. Maybe I know you so well, and I know you always just mean well. You just don't know which words to say at a given situation and circumstance.

Worry not, I love you no less.

And when father is in his ballistic paranoia mode, you are my ally in crafting the fanciest excuses. Not that you want me to lie, but we just want to appease father's wild imagination by telling him half-truths. You were, and I know, will always be, the strongest support and back up I will ever have in this lifetime, no matter how twisted and ugly things get. I really don't care if you can't cook, if you leave the house like a jungle, and if you can't find your nail polish and lipstick because you are so disorganized. I don't care if you nag a lot and if you complain too much.

I love you for all you are- head to toe, no more no less. And I know you know that.

Mom, I Thank you for bringing me to life.