So I broke up with Froy two days ago. I never thought it was going to be very difficult. I felt like I was going to pass out. Ganoon pala ang feeling ng wala ka nang luhang mailabas. Sobrang sakit na mahirap. As always, nagsuka ako sa sobrang stress.
I've never heard Froy cry like that. I will always remember that cry. It was almost eerie and haunting. It was like a cry of bereavement. Like someone died. Like I died.
I didn't expect it. All along I thought he would take it lightly. But I had to be firm. We had a wedding to attend that evening. After an hour, he managed to compose himself. I must give him credit for being so resilient and being so understanding. For being such a man.
He asked me if I had another. I said no.
But that is not entirely true. I've been seeing William for about a month now. So I told Froy that I am not happy with him anymore. And the world just seemed to go on so slowly. Like everything turned sepia. Maybe its that split-second that defined that we're already history. Like a colored photograph that has aged through they years.
But in my heart, there is a part of me that knows and says it isn't over yet. This can't be the end. Yet. But I must continue.
That evening, I did not stay at his place. After the wedding, I headed to William's place. I cried. I cried til my Lacrimal glands couldn't secrete any more tears. I wanted to go back to Froy, but I have to man up. I cannot shift gears up and down. I had to make it through the night. I asked William if I could change my mind and go back to Froy that evening, and he said yes. But I could see in his eyes that he didn't want me to leave. Honestly, I wanted to stay as well so I would now how I would feel. If I would still feel intensely for William. So I decided to spend the night with him. I went to Froy's the next day.
We hugged. he kissed me on the forehead, cheeks. Held my hand. He smiled. He never said "I love you", but all his actions did. Every bit of what he did. And I never felt it that intensely before. He banked on the thought that I was happy with my decision, and with my happiness follows his happiness. He promised to take care of me for as long as he can. He made a promise three years ago that should we break up, he will just focus on his business and not find a lover anymore. He told me that If ever I should find someone, he wanted to meet the guy. He fears that the next guy would just hurt me. He said that he will just be there. But I told him not to wait. All he said that I was the last guy he will love, so definitely, no one will come after me, so I could come back anytime. i'm not sure how long this will hold true, but I believe it could be for a long, long time.
Deep inside I was crying. How difficult is it to be said goodbye to and intently want to meet the successor just to have a glimpse of how secure I am going to be with the next guy. I felt like I was a job role being turned over to a new employee. It was really heartbreaking.
On the other hand, William has professed his "love". Of which gravity, I am not sure. It's true, wala siyang laban sa three years namin ni Froy, but seriously, he could only prove something unless I give him a chance to.
And so I sought some words of wisdom from a good friend, Chris. And he tells me
"What defines a relationship is another relationship."
In other words, maybe I need to date others. In other language, my breaking up with Froy could have probably meant just a cool off. But I never believed in the concept of cooling off, which was also the reason why I broke up. But now I realized, cool off or not, I still love him somewhere somehow. But I am not disregarding the fact that I might actually formally date William and take it from there. Who knows, we might blossom into something. And By dating others, William, specifically, I might actually realize soon that it's Froy that I am really meant to be with. I'm not so sure. All I want to know at this point is who will I end up with, and with whom will my real happiness be found. It's harsh, but Someone's gonna get hurt. I have my fair share. it's not easy.
And so to summarize, I am single at the time this is being written. I am trying not to get too stressed over the matters of the heart as I am going to start work in a few days.
A new home, a new job role, a new life, in general. Possibly, a new relationship.
So help me God.
Dilemma ng Isang Dyosa
ReplyDeleteI must say, that your problem is a breathe of fresh air from the insecurity and loneliness issues of some of the people in twitterlandia. This goes to show, that there’s life or “Love life” after HIV and like normal people, our heart is just as fragile.
@solilokiwi:
I know how difficult it is to watch somebody break apart especially when you are that reason. To validate your decision, ask yourself how comfortable are you to say, “I love you” to him. It should be effortless! The moment you choke and pause to think shows that there is doubt. How can you doubt something so pure as Love?
Should you decide to go back, make sure it’s for the right reason? You need to see beyond your guilt and uncertainties. It’s only ourselves that we can control, and selfish as it may sound, it’s only our happiness that matters. Defining that happiness is the challenge. Some 40-year old people I know still do not know what makes them happy.
Three years is a long time, and friendship with an ex is possible. As long as you treat him for what he is, an ex.
To Froy:
You don’t have a choice but to let go. If you really are meant for each other, the universe will conspire with you. But in the meantime, there’s no point in holding on. You will just hurt seeing him happy and that its not you who’s giving it to him.
For the time being, make better of yourself. Partners are there to compliment us not to complete us.
To William:
It was a bold move to actually profess and assert your feelings to him, to put your heart on the line so soon. I know that watching him cry over Froy, you tell yourself that you can offer him so much more, and that you can make him happy, that you will never allow him to hurt this much. Just give it time. Make sure you don’t lose yourself in the process. Sometimes when we fall in love, we are so overwhelmed with the feeling that it’s the other person that defines us.
Falling in love is always a risk. Either you survive or fall flat in your face!
Just the same, from this time on, you have nothing to regret.
To Cris:
“What defines a relationship is another relationship."
Loveeet!
This can only come from a person who had long relationships in the past. But it’s actually true.
We don’t go into relationships thinking that it has expiration. Always and ideally, it’s forever. Both must make an effort to make it grow. By outdoing each other and giving more. Most importantly, it’s centered on love.
If its not growing and love is compromised, then we face the inevitable.
I’m not sure if this helped or just complicated it even more.
If it’s any consolation,
And problemang ito ay nararanasan lamang ng mga Dyosa!
Haba ng Hair!
I LOVE THIS COMMENT. Kasinghaba ng post ko. but thanks for the advice. And it really feels like may pinaghuhugutan ang mga words of wisdom mo.
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