#11. Froy

Froy,

After almost two to three years of carnal indulgence, I finally decided that I wanted something more permanent. You see, boys and cocks come and go. I often go home with a busted nut and an empty heart, and I wanted to change that.

That's when I met you.

I'm not sure if there's enough paper and ink in the world to write about you. I'm not sure if there's enough words to let others know how our relationship had been so calm, yet turbulent in all these three years. You see, I admit, I wanted security, and you provided me that in more ways than one. But I couldn't afford to let go of my freedom.

I'm sure you're aware, you're not stupid. I've been playing and fooling around all these years. You never confronted me, you never asked. Maybe, you never do know at all. Maybe I'm just really good at keeping my skeletons inside my closet. But the bottomline is, I cheated on you. Not once, not twice, not three times, not four times. 

You see, I lost track already. That's how many times I fooled around all these three years.

I feel so miserable for you had been graciously kind in a thousand ways. You have loved me, and I do love you. But we both know that the romance isn't there. And I admit, when I was out there whoring around, I fell in love with some of them. Some made my heart flutter. I felt young again. But each time I am confronted with the perpetual question whether to break up with you, I end up not doing so because I am selfish. As I've said, I want my security, and I want my freedom as well.

Things have become complicated since we found out I was infected. I thank the Lord for sparing you of this disease. Perhaps, I truly deserve this, and I accept my fate.

I thought you'd leave me, but you professed your unending love for me despite a thousand copies of my HIV cells. And I will always thank you and love you for that. I always thought that infected gay guys like me are bound to be loveless forever and you prove that wrong.

But my mind is wandering, my heart is searching, what about romance? It's just not with us. It's just not here. I love you, always and forever, but is this how it's supposed to be?

Again, I think about not prolonging your agony, and mine as well. I think of letting you go. There's really no easy way to break somebody's heart. No one might ever love me again the way you have, the way you did, especially given this circumstance I am in.

I entertain the possibility of being in a relationship with someone who is also infected, but what difference does it really make? 

I guess none, really. Besides, I'm so tired of starting all over again. I just can't afford it anymore.

I'm not blaming others for being caught up in this shit hole I am in right now, but I want you to know that all these years, and I think just like everyone else, I was just really searching for romance after all. That elusive thing that comes so quick, and maybe comes just really once in our lives.

And in my pursuit of, I got this disease.

I am so sorry. I love you.

I am so confused, Lord, please help me.

Eu